The Nice Guy Syndrome – Part 2
In my earlier blog here, I talked about how Nice Guys are not so nice really, in fact they are anything but nice. Vibes don’t lie. So, here are a few pointers to spot the Nice Guys. On a personal level, I’ve been there, done that, I used to fall under the category of being a Nice Guy. I speak from personal experience.
Nice Guys Buy Love/Trust by giving gifts
Giving gifts is not a bad thing, in fact it’s good, the problem is with the agenda behind giving the gift. Since nice guys live with that image, that if they do things for others, they will reciprocate that way, they have a contract in their mind. A contract that says “I buy you a gift, you love me in return”. The problem begins with our career fairs in school. We are told to speak what others want to hear. Be nice, be concerned, and you will get what you want – AND YOU WILL GET WHAT YOU WANT. If that ain’t selfish, I don’t know what is. Nice guys think that they are selfless, but deep inside they are selfish, after-all what is wrong with expectations. There is nothing wrong with expectations, the problem is when they start buying love. Buying trust. You can’t do that. It’s called silent pressure on the ones you say you’re caring about. If they don’t get what they want, they go silent, shutdown mode, and stop communicating. I wonder if schools can come up with a coursework on “How to be yourself” and focus on that instead. Focus on “How you say” v/s “What you say”.
Nice Guys hide their vulnerable side to look perfect
It’s all about the perception; it’s all about the image. The image that says, “look at me, I’m so good. And you reject me for whatever reason, you must feel bad”. Even though most folks aren’t missing much by avoiding the nice guys, they are a hero in their own movie made up in their own mind. They dwell in fantasy v/s reality. In reality, no one is perfect. Social Media adds to the perfection quotient. We have control over what we put up there. Most folks choose to put smiling pictures and not the behind the scenes over there. Perfection becomes an image and it is not the reality. Nice guys want to look perfect wherever they go. Which brings us to the next point.
Nice Guys are Overly Pleasing, avoiding confrontation
Overly pleasing, avoiding confrontation, agreeing to avoid conflict, all signs of a nice guy. You don’t have to fight or be abusive, but you can disagree respectfully. What is wrong with debate? For the nice guys, never rock the boat, not even debate. They believe if everything goes smooth, there will be nothing to complain about. If there is nothing to complain, the relationship will live forever. It’s far from the truth isn’t it? The relationship dies its own death, and the nice guy is now nicer believing that they weren’t nice enough the last time. It’s a circle.
They want to do everything right, everything perfect, they never start anything new for fear of failure. “Either I’m going to do it 100% right or never ever start”. They are busy creating an image v/s dwelling in reality.
Nice Guys are Freakin’ Boring
Last but not the least, Nice Guys are freakin’ boring. Yeah, absolutely. People don’t want to hang around with anyone who is constantly careful about what they speak. Constantly worried about what others think of them. The trust factor, the vibe, the friendship just isn’t there. Over time, people just stay connected for social reasons. Happy Birthday or Happy Anniversary text messages and will slowly attenuate over time. If I have done that to you, get the hint.
Seriously, stop acting, stop looking for approval from people that don’t matter, in fact, stop looking for approval even from people that matter….. and start living.
PS: Special Thanks to Dr. Glover for making me realize how foolish I have been. Year 2013 was a game changer in many aspects. Hope this blog helps all the recovering Nice Guys.
I write from my heart.
I'd write even if no one was reading.
"Offending people since 1977"