My Inability To Maintain Relationships
I suck at relationships. I really do. I always thought I was good at them but I suck big time. And to be honest, I’ve spent a lot of time understanding, introspecting and analyzing why that has been the case and what I can and must do to fix this.
1) Leave my past behind – I’ve been carrying my childhood nightmares for way too long. From trying to commit suicide when I was in Grade 6 to having deal with an emotionally, physically, mentally abusive father, I’ve carried the burden way too long. I cannot comprehend when people say they miss their childhood, I don’t because it was a nightmare. And I took wrong decisions with my future relationships and didn’t look for love and respect, I looked for validation. When someone would validate even a stupid joke of mine, I was ready to do everything for them because in my mind they were the only ones I had. I trusted the wrong people, looked for a father figure, a mentor to help me, guide me, navigate me and be my friend. I married to the wrong person to receive their validation. Even though I had zero satisfaction in the marriage, I kept pushing through thinking and believing that one day I will be accepted by my spouse with respect. The focus for acceptance shifted from my father to my spouse and her side of the family. Of course, this had to break because this was a mirage not the reality. 3-March-2013 was a slap in my face where I got a taste of reality. I realized what a fool I’ve been to trust people I thought were my own.
2) Inability to handle conflict – I walk away from conflict. While I agree it better to walk away than fighting and making the situation worse, I still need to work and find a middle ground. No fighting, no walking away, just stay there and explain. But this middle ground depends on the other persons temperament as well. They need to have the same mindset at you. I’m trying to ensure I find the middle ground with people who really have the intent to resolve an issue and not make it worse.
3) Not being able to trust – I was told by many close people of mine that I am naive, trusting and basically gullible. I believe that’s all true. I don’t think that has changed much, but what happened as an after effect of making the wrong choices especially with my life partner, I have lost the ability to trust anyone and to get very close with anyone. Because if a relationship such as marriage can destroy you, what if we allow others to get close to us? Are we giving them the ammunition to have control over us? Are we telling them it’s OK to screw us, walk over us and break us anytime they want to? I need to start trusting again, start trusting the right people and go with my inner gut feeling.
That’s it. Thanks for reading. Hope this helps all the broken souls out there. Hope this helps you with your inner battles.
Love and Gratitude,